it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We had sex on a dog bed..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
