How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
