This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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