just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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