i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
