Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
