I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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