Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
