Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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