If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
