i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
