So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
