i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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