so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
