so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
