Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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