...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
