i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
