I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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