I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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