You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
