and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
