apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
