she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she pinky promised me she was 18
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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