Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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