It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
