I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
