my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
