I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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