Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
