Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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