Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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