and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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