My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
