Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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