I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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