So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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