if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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