Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Im part way to drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
