Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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