We're like a lot better than the average bears
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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