Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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