have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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