I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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