I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
