wakey wakey hands off snakey
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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