I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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