By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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