I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
