Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
