I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
