he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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