come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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