You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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