Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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